The Leader, the Educator and the Art of Listening

Think about it: What’s the most common gripe among unhappily married couples? “You’re not listening to me!” 

Why do talented managers jump from one corporation to another? When they feel that senior management has all but turned a deaf ear to their needs and concerns.

What one thing do students swear to being tired of hearing in and outside the classroom? "Listen to your teacher!" 

The fact is, getting people to listen–really listen–is damn hard. Listening is even harder. And given how busy leaders and educators can be, it’s easy to see why they, most of all might fall prey to “selective” listening. Unexpected thoughts or approaches vying for purchase in an already crowded cranium can come off like a bunch of hot air. 

Being a really really good listener requires that for the time it takes to listen well, you have to place your own ego behind you. Not deny it. Not suppress it. But set it aside; bracket it, so to speak, so that your intention can actually bring the unique person of the other into full view.

To really master the art of being a good listener, you must, first and foremost, understand that the other person is not you. This may sound simplistic, but it’s important to understand that the other person does not operate from the same assumptions as you do: the most important assumptions being those that are unconscious. Even if you both share the same social and economic status, the same ethnic and religious background, the same education and experience, that’s not enough to guarantee that you know or can predict what the other person is going to say nor how he is going to say it. You must understand that there will always be points of divergence, and when you’re not expecting and subsequently not prepared for these points of divergence differences, the person you are talking to can branch off in unexpected and startling ways that can lead to confusion and frustration, if not irritation and even rage.

So, the first of the essentials of really good listening: be sure to act from the premise that the other person is not you. 

And this leads to the second essential of a really good listener---curiosity. You must sincerely want to know who the other person is. What makes them tick? What assumptions govern their lives, unconscious or otherwise?  What are they going to tell me? In many instances, deep listening is not worth the time and focus it takes. But when it is, it returns a treasure of understanding that enhances and bolster the strength of your relationship. And, what’s more, you keep learning!

Thirdly: keep in mind that the other person’s point of view is as important to them as yours is to you. This perspective will prevent you from dismissing them out of hand when they express something not in alignment with what you think or believe and sometimes they may even contradict your position. If you do not grant them the right to be different from you and legitimately so, the onus falls on you for projecting your narcissism onto the other. The option is to allow your curiosity to give them the benefit of the doubt. This doesn’t mean you have to agree or even want to remain connected. But you won’t fall into the trap of characterizing them from your own point of view which means that you’re characterizing them as in some way wrong if they are not you. And you won’t be the only one in that moment that counts.

The fourth essential: listen for their non-conscious presuppositions/assumptions because they form the context or the non-conscious frame for their point of view. This may seem daunting but it’s not. People express things consciously, but at the same time we all say things from the unconscious dimension of our minds. That’s inevitable. It is in this  unconscious dimension that our presuppositions reside, and they are mostly expressed as slips of the tongue, inconsistencies, even contradictions.

To listen really well, you must be aware of and stay alert to both dimensions of the mind---conscious and unconscious. Short of that, you are certain to be listening only partially and with equal certainty, you will miss what’s right there in front of you.

To summarise: begin with the fact that the other person is not you. Follow that with your sincere curiosity. Bracket your ego and remember that the other person’s point of view is as important to them as yours is to you. And listen for their non-conscious presuppositions/assumptions. The degree to which you can integrate and practice these listening strategies will not only make you a great listener but will open up other people to you in ways you will never have imagined.